Have You Ever Thought of Killing Your Mother?

The inspiration of “Matricide” came about a couple months before Christmas when my ex-boyfriend and I argued about where we should spend our Christmas… in Hong Kong or Taiwan… in LA or Orange County… with my mom or your mom? I suddenly realized that the central figure in both of our lives were our moms. For a long time, even though my mom was more emotionally available she wasn’t quite sympathetic to my being gay. And I really hated her for that.

My mother was controlling and manipulative. So she became my inspiration for “Matricide,” my 410 project at UCLA after “Hysterio Passio.” I wrote the script in Hal Ackerman’s screenwriting class and when I asked him for feedback he said, “I wouldn’t change a word. It’s perfect.” Really? I totally did not believe my professor. I was thought that he probably didn’t want to deal with this crazy gay Asian filmmaker. So I p0lished it up during that painful Christmas I spent with my ex-boyfriend whom I knew was breaking up with me… and I finished that script in the cold of New York when I went to help him settle down there for good over Christmas break.

One of the most memorable and warm moments in film school was when I came back for the winter quarter and told my classmates that I just broke up they all hugged me.  I was ready to shoot “Matricide.”

The ever brilliant Chris Smith was my director of photography and my best friend Deeya Loram was my production designer. We shot “Matricide” in three and a half days. One in my apartment. One in Orange County in my ex-boyfriend’s house. One in the sound stage of UCLA. And half-a-day on Santa Monica beach. I did recall getting a permit for Santa Monica because the beach patrol came by and asked me for it.

Right out of experimental video making, I was really into mixed media so I shot on Hi-8, 3/4″ video, 16mm black-and-white and 16mm color film. Okay I was insane.

I never thought people quite got “Matricide” except for the late Linda Mabalot, Justin Lin and my beloved UCLA professor. But I didn’t care… it just came right out of me and I’ve never doubted that vision.

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