Don’t Panic! 13 Things You Must Do Before the Rapture

by Angela

Since I’m sure all of you amazing Queerious readers will be leaving us tomorrow night  because of Harold Camping’s prediction of the second coming of Jesus H. Christ at 6p.m. (no time zone, I mean duh, that was invented WAY after JC left us the first time) I thought I would come up with 13 must-do things for your last day on Earth (because I know you’re all going to be on the VIP list for the chosen). If you happen to be one of the unlucky unchosen, according to Camping you will be stuck here for the zombie apocalypse until October 21st (<– P.S. that is a link to the Center for Disease Control website with info on what to do if you find yourself in the midst of a Z.A.).

If you’re fairly certain you’re heading off to the that server in the sky you’ve got 24 hours left on Earth. And that’s a lot to plan for. Lucky for you, I’ve already made your final to-do list, and it leaves plenty of time for spontaneity. My list excludes awesome things that would require travel, because who wants to waste their last hours in line at the airport? This is a link-heavy post, so be sure to open plenty-o-tabs on your browser. If you don’t know how to do that then I’m sure you’ve got waitin’-for-Jesus-plans already so don’t worry your pretty little head.

13. Part your hair on the other side.  According to an episode of Radiolab, how we view ourselves in the mirror vs. how people in the world see us is completely different. A study showed no one would have trusted Abraham Lincoln if he had parted his hair on the other side. See if this little makeover will disguise you well enough to get into/out of the Rapture.

12. Listen to this. While you’re taming your tresses (or skimming this post), take a listen to the 24-hours-to-live playlist I made on Youtube. It’ll make you giggle, reflect, and of course,  seek salvation.

11.Put on your favorite dance song and dance alone in your house. I’m talking Napoleon-Dynamite-leave-it-all-on-the-dance-floor booty shaking. Moving and grooving all alone, without regard to judgement, coordination, or good taste. Think of it as a warm-up in case you have to walk to the Rapture. 

10. Take a quick look at the Google Art Project. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a Van Gogh at 7 billion megapixels. They have over 1,000 pieces of art that you can zoom in on. If only porn sites had this technology…

9. Read a monologue out loud to yourself/your friends/your pet/that homeless person at the stoplight. Any monologue at all, but I suggest “The Story of Jerry and the Dog” from the Zoo Story by Edward Albee. Sorry I didn’t link the text, but if this whole Rapture thing doesn’t happen I wanna make sure I suggested you buy the play.

8. Have a drink before 11 a.m. Day-drinking is the most luxurious thing. Although it’s not generally accepted by society stand-up citizens it is a delicacy that shouldn’t be missed. If you don’t drink, now’s a good time to start/resume.

7. Buy something you can’t afford. If you’re out of here tomorrow you don’t need to worry about it. If you’re not, well, welcome to living outside of your means! You’re an American now.

6. Google yourself. And I don’t mean masturbate. (That’s coming later.) Take a gander at what the internet says about you. If Jesus sees it, will he rescind his invitation? If so, congratulations on life well documented lived!

5. Go out alone. I’m sure you’ll want to spend your final hours with friends and/or family, but stop by some place alone first. Spend a second getting to know your would-be new eternal life pals and have the confidence you’ll need if your friends and family don’t make the cut.

4. If you are a vegetarian, stop it.  Eat some bacon already. Those little porkers will have died in vain if you don’t gobble them up before we’re all outta here. Waste not, want not.

3. If you are a vegan, eat some goat cheese. Then see number 15. And stop it already.

2. Please watch the “Trapped in the Closet” series. There’s not much funnier on the internet that was supposed to be totally serious. Here is part one of twelve. Yes, there are twelve parts to this masterpiece!  

1. Masturbate. I would say have anonymous sex, but just in case this rapture thing isn’t for reals, keep it on the safe side. But definitely get off a few times before you’re Raptured. 

0. Buy every billboard you can. Since Harold Camping’s camp will need to post the following billboard, make a buck off of ’em. 

One response to “Don’t Panic! 13 Things You Must Do Before the Rapture

  1. If you love zombies and would rather stay for the apocalypse, don’t forget to check out my blog on the Italian zombie movie master Lucio Fulci: http://tinyurl.com/luciofulci

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