This week I am skipping fashion advice to discuss entertainment. It has recently come to my attention that a certain gay movie franchise, which I will not mention, is adding not one, but TWO more installments to their previously three films which were moderately successful, considering their target audience was such a specific demographic. The producers of this franchise seem to have discovered a reliable formula for securing themselves a foolproof, money-making hit. If only we could all know what that formula is, then maybe, just maybe we could also find success in Hollywood… Oh wait! It’s your lucky day; I happen to have that formula right now and yes, I am going to share it with ya’ll today. Now for those of you who suffer from math phobia, don’t worry, I’m Asian and I will talk you through this formula step by step. So grab your Apple iPads now and take some notes! (If you don’t have an iPad, stop by your local Apple store today and see why The Wall Street Journal gave it two thumbs up! No, Apple did not sponsor this blog entry and I in no way received any financial gain by promoting this immaculate beautifully designed technologically advanced device… ahem.)
The first part of the equation is to take a comedic script and subtract any possible intelligence from the writing and the characters involved (like the cast of Logo’s The A-List: New York). Then you take what’s left, and you multiply sarcastic clichés by a thousand, which leaves you with over-the-top humor that can only be appreciated by a pack of cracked out hyenas, also referred to as the Friday night crowd at Micky’s in West Hollywood. You take that product and you add born-to-be pornographic stars/washed-up-reality stars “actors” with chiseled bodies whose only talent is to fuck producers for sixty nine seconds of D-list fame regurgitate memorized moans and grunts words and sentences. You guys following along okay? We’re almost finished! Go ahead and take the previous sum and square that value, which means you’ll now have double the annoying amount of less-than-mediocre trash. Now the last step is to divide everything into bathhouses independent movie theaters in predominantly gay cities for those who want to experience some mindless entertainment. Although, I’d rather just watch a real porno and see two people not just simulating sex, but really fucking each other’s brains out… But that’s just me!
And there you have it folks… the key to creating a successful softcore porn feature film. If this doesn’t help advance the GLBT-movement in a positive direction and prevent mainstream stereotypes of gay men, I don’t know what will! They’re even asking people only to submit to be in this movie if they’ve “got the body of Adonis with legendary abs” (their words not mine). It just makes me feel so good to know for once, finally, there are still classy producers in Hollywood trying to make true cinematic works-of-art, especially about what being gay is really about; giving “super hot, devastatingly handsome, muscular studs with a ripped torso” (again, their words) a chance to tease old ugly gay people, who cum to support this franchise, what they will never have unless they’re rich, preferably white, and/or are producers of this project.. Yeah, I honestly don’t see the point in striking a line through that last sentence, do you?